Dr Spencer Reid Sexpert
by they'recomingtotakemeaway
Summary: Reid knows almost everything.  The girls start to think it might apply to sex, too with how happy he keeps Morgan.  When the girls discover how much Reid really knows, they beg him to teach them everything and he ends up giving the entire team sex advice.
1. Giggly Girls and Dirty Boys

It wasn't a kiss that got Emily wondering. It wasn't even a hug or a touch. It was a look. A look and a simple sentence, one that could be taken any number of ways.

Spencer Reid with his soulful puppy dog eyes looking at -who else but Morgan? There was mostly concern there, but also something else Emily couldn't put a finger on. She thought it might be understanding. But when Spencer said, "Let's go home." she could hear what it was in his voice. A need to comfort his lover after one of those cases that had left Morgan feeling dry and worn.

They had left the office, and left Emily feeling curious. She wandered over to Garcia's office, thinking if anyone knew anything it would be her, Goddess of All-Knowing.

She walked into Garcia's office. "What're you here for? Do you want me to look something up? Or did you just want to bask in the glow of my radiance?"

"Can't a girl just stop by to chat?" Prentiss asked.

"Okay, you could. But we both know that you don't if something isn't up," Garcia said. She looked mildly hurt, but was obviously trying to conceal it.

Emily smiled at her. "Well I should more often."

"Seriously, what do you want?" Garcia asked. She tried to look stony but couldn't hide a smile. Her office could seem like a jail sometimes. It was nice to have visitors to brighten it up.

"Seriously, I just came to chat. I kind of wanted to ask you something..." Emily stumbled trying to figure out what exactly it was she was trying to ask. "Maybe I should just forget it..."

Garcia beamed. "You can't do that now! You've got me all excited!"

"It doesn't take much, does it?" Emily asked. She continued, but realized how embarrassing what she wanted to talk about was. How could she bring up the subject without sounding like a pervert? "It doesn't really matter... I was just sort of curious about something is all..."

"Come on. Tell me. I'm dying to know!" Garcia said.

Emily bit her lip. "I mean, it's just... I was just wondering about Morgan and Reid. I mean they're so different. I mean I just can't imagine them being together, you know?" She was beet red and feeling like a total idiot for admitting her interest.

"…Are you talking about their sex life?" Garcia asked.

Emily hung her head down in shame. "Yes."

Instead of the answer Prentiss had been expecting, Garcia uttered a squeal. "Finally someone who shares my interests!" She grabbed a chair and positioned it next to herself, patting the seat. "Sit down. We've got so much to talk about."

"We do?" Emily asked. "Does that mean you know things?"

Garcia shook her head sadly. "Not nearly as much as I'd like. It's mostly speculation..."

"Oh," Prentiss said, disappointed.

At that time, JJ walked into the room. "Hey, guys. I heard squealing. Am I missing something exciting?"

Before Emily could open her mouth to say no, Garcia answered cheerily. "We're just talking about Morgan and Reid's sex life."

"Ooo," JJ said, grabbing a seat. "What do we know?"

"Sadly, little," Garcia said. "We should put our brains together and profile it out."

Prentiss thought she should start, being the only one who was a genuine profiler. "Well, it's a bit difficult since they are so different. Usually when you see the personalities of two people, it isn't hard to put the pieces together. But with them..." She trailed off when JJ and Garcia nodded in understanding. "Well, obviously they're comfortable with each other. Have you noticed in front of people they don't have excessive physical contact, nor are they overly concerned about not touching each other?"

JJ nodded, taking it all in. Garcia smiled, figuring she might as make her contribution. "Well, it's probably pretty good..."

Prentiss frowned. "Is that just an assumption? Or do you have any indicators?"

"I guess you've never seen them act couple-y. It doesn't happen that often in the presence of others. But a few times, I've seen it. Tongues down each other's throats, Morgan's hands on Reid's ass, real nasty stuff." Garcia looked positively thrilled. "Plus, haven't you ever noticed how Morgan's like a love-sick puppy? He couldn't care more about Reid. And it's Reid who doesn't want to do PDAs. Is that significant?"

Emily thought about it. She found it didn't reveal anything about Reid. Morgan, however... "I don't know; it could be. I can't get a read on Reid though. It just seems to be outside my abilities. I find it so hard to think of him as a sexual being."

"I _know_!" JJ agreed. "I don't think how happy Morgan is has anything to do with how good Reid is. I mean it's Reid! I've always just sort of imagined he would just lie down and take sex in exchange for cuddles and company. I never really thought about him _liking_ sex."

Suddenly an idea came to Emily. "Oh my God. I just thought of something."

"Tell us, Em! It sounds positively thrilling," Garcia said.

"Well..." Emily had a hard time formulating her idea into words. The idea sounded crazy even in her head. But at the same time, she wondered madly if it were true. "You know Reid. He knows everything about everything. What if he _knows _things? I mean about sex. Like all kinds of things most people don't?"

Garcia jumped out of her seat. "Oh. My. God. I bet you're right! He's a genius. He's read every book known to man. Think about it. Dr. Spencer Reid; Sexpert. Oh, wow. I mean, can you picture it?"

"No!" JJ said. "That's crazy! Reid's got to be shy and submissive. He's not some kind of freak."

Emily looked at both of them, but really she was trying to picture Reid 'knowing things.' "I wish there was some way we could know."

"Never fear, my dear. Your all-powerful genius goddess has an idea," Garcia said.

* * *

"Oh, Spence. That was so good, baby." Morgan leaned in and gave his lover a heated kiss, their naked and sweaty bodies colliding together while they both breathed harder than if they had just ran a marathon.

"_You're_ so good," Spencer said sweetly once he withdrew from the kiss. "Are you feeling any better?"

The case had been a hard one on Morgan. Not one of the hardest, but enough to make him question his career choice just a little. Of course, that had been yesterday. That had been before Spencer had 'cheered him up' now a total of four times. Morgan didn't care about the case anymore. "Much better. Thanks to you."

"Good," he kissed Morgan's forehead. He looked at the clock. 11:42 am. He loved days off. "I guess we should get up?"

"I guess we should," Morgan agreed. "But that doesn't mean we can't return in a while." He tickled Reid, who just giggled and nodded. Spencer threw on Morgan's t-shirt and boxers, and in turn Morgan put on Spencer's boxers.

They made their way to the kitchen for some breakfast. They managed to make coffee and pour cereal without noticing the three women sitting on their couch. It wasn't until they had some 'casual breakfast chit-chat.'

The three girls had managed to keep their cover well for a while. They had even contained their laughter when Reid had casually said between mouthfuls of cereal, "Did you know that coffee drinkers have more sex than non-coffee drinkers? They enjoy it more, too."

Morgan laughed. "I can't say I knew that. But it doesn't come as a surprise." He tugged Spencer's hair playfully.

That was when the three girls bursted into simultaneously fits of laughter.

"Oh, wow. JJ, I think you were totally wrong," Garcia said.

"Jesus, Garcia!" Morgan exclaimed. "Next time you sneak into our house, can you at least give us a bit of warning?"

Reid seemed unperturbed and took a glug of his coffee. "I told you that you should have never given her a key."

"We're sorry, we didn't mean to scare you," JJ said.

"But we couldn't have you knowing we were here," Emily said. "We wanted to observe your interactions in your natural habitat."

"We're not wild animals!" Spencer said. He was angry. It was okay if they were there if they just wanted to hang out, but he had no interest in being cross-examined.

Garcia smiled. "Are you sure, Reid? You look like you could really use a shower."

Suddenly Spencer became very aware that he wasn't just a little sweaty, but smelling like he hadn't showered in weeks. All of his... activity had left him feeling physically filthy. Not only that, but he was wearing nothing but Morgan's boxers and t-shirt and Morgan was wearing the pink boxers he had bought Spencer for Christmas. "You should all leave."

"Aww, Spencer don't be like that. It was just a joke!" Emily said.

"No way," Garcia said. "We aren't leaving until you answer some questions."

Spencer shot a desperate look at Morgan, who smiled sympathetically.

"On, a scale of one to ten, how much do you enjoy sex?" Garcia asked boldly.

Reid almost toppled over his cup of coffee. "What kind of question is that?"

JJ stared at him contemplatively. "Okay, so maybe don't ask on a scale. Just in general, do you enjoy sex?"

"That's a stupid question. Of course I do," Reid answered. "Now please leave us alone."

"_JJ _here thought that you didn't like sex," Prentiss said deflecting the blame even though she had wondered the same thing.

Morgan and Reid shared a look. Then it was there turn to laugh. "You have no idea what you're talking about. Why does everyone see me as asexual?" Reid asked.

"Because you're like a strange combination of child and robot, Reid. And because you have never once let on any interest in it since I've known you," JJ said.

Spencer just shrugged. "So what? That stuff should be private."

"Okay, Reid. You're off the hook. No more questions for you," Garcia said, and Spencer showed visible relief. "We just have one more for Morgan."

Morgan narrowed his eyes, steeling himself for whatever prying question they were about to ask. Not that he personally cared what people knew, but he knew his lover cared deeply. "Go ahead."

It was Emily's turn to ask. "Does Spencer know a lot about sex?"

Reid turned bright red. Morgan surveyed his face. "Is it okay if I tell them?"

"I guess..." He pushed his finished cereal out of the way and planted his arms and face on the table, using his arms as both a pillow and a shield for his face.

The three girls waited with fierce anticipation. Prentiss was almost sure Morgan was going to say that Spencer only knew what he taught him, that their sex life was plain-Jane as could be.

"Spencer has encyclopedic knowledge of almost every topic on Earth," Morgan said. "Sex is no exception."

Reid groaned and kept his face covered. Morgan rubbed his back. "Why are you so embarrassed, sweetie?"

"You know why," Spencer said, sitting up. "They're never going to let me live this down."

The three girls didn't say anything, letting the information sink in. JJ wasn't even sure what encyclopedic knowledge of sex could mean. Prentiss still couldn't imagine it. Garcia could do nothing but imagine it.

"Wow," JJ said. Then she got a crazy idea in her head. So crazy that even in her bravest moment, she still had to voice it in a whisper. "Can you teach me... your secrets?"

Garcia grinned wider than the Joker. "Yes! Oh my God, Reid. You have to teach us. Teach us everything you know about men."

Spencer looked astounded. "You want me to teach you about men? What makes you think I know anything about men?"

"Oh, come on," Emily said. "Morgan seems to think you know a lot. You've done a good job of keeping him satisfied."

"First lesson, everything that you need to know about men starts and ends between their legs," Reid stated. "It isn't that complicated."

JJ almost choked from shock. Prentiss tried to read his face, but as usual it said nothing. Morgan looked hurt. "Not _everything_..."

"Not you, honey. You're special," Spencer patronized, rubbing Morgan's chin.

"You're pretty special yourself," Morgan said, giving him a quick peck. "I'm going to go take a shower."

Reid's eyes followed him until he left the room. "Okay, real first lesson, pretend to not know anything. They like to think they're smarter than you. They like to think your mind is simple and feeble and they have to explain everything and take care of you while you sit there and look pretty. Got it?"

Garcia literally pulled out a pad of paper and took notes. "Got it! Lesson two?"

"Hmm... what else could you learn from that little interaction?" He thought about it for a minute. "I guess it was a pretty okay example of a push-pull."

Prentiss had heard of this. "Push-pull? Isn't that only for women?"

"Most people think so, but it works just as well with men, if you do it right. Women are a bit different. When you insult them it's generally something superficial, like a comment about her clothes, or hair or something. Something stupid," Spencer said.

"And with men?" JJ asked.

Reid poured himself another cup of coffee. "You have to go after their ego. It's the only thing that works. But do it in a way where it's not obviously what you're trying to do. Then once they brood about it for a while, tell them something to boost their confidence back up. Then they feel the constant need to go to you for approval. They'll be dying to impress you. And when you build them back up, they feel like you're doing them a huge favor."

"Reid, that's so naughty of you!" Garcia said, scribbling in her notebook. "I'm definitely trying it."

JJ frowned. "Wait, Reid why are you even telling us this?"

"You asked!" Spencer said.

"But I mean, I never thought you'd go for it this easy. I just didn't expect it," JJ explained.

Spencer nodded. "Well, I guess I've never had anyone to talk to about this stuff besides Morgan... It might be fun. Except you can't tell anyone."

"We won't!" Garcia promised. "Lesson three!"

"Lesson three?" Spencer had to stop to think about what else he could say. "All men think with their penises."

"Even you?" Emily asked in anticipation.

Reid bit his lip. "Even me."

Morgan then wandered into the room, now fully clothed and clean. "Did I miss anything?"

"Nah, not much," JJ said quickly in Reid's defense.

Garcia stood up. She was smiling like a kid on Christmas. "That'll be all. We're going to leave you alone to your 'devices.'"

"I bet he does have devices," Emily said giggling. JJ's eyes widened and they all wandered to the door.

When Garcia turned around, Spencer was trying very hard to look upset, but failing miserably. He was too distracted by Morgan's arms around him from behind, and his lips on Spencer's ear. Garcia laughed. "Have fun, kiddies!"

* * *

**A/N: This is something I've had in the back of my mind for a very long time. Honestly, I can't be the first person who thought "I bet Reid has abnormal amounts of knowledge about sex!" I just can't. I mean the man knows **_**everything**_**! Oh, and when Garcia says, "Finally someone who shares my interests!" That's exactly how I feel about the fanfiction community.**

**Okay, so this totally will have more chapters. More chapters were Reid teaches the girls about men and everyone on the team ends up going to him for sex advice. And of course I'll make the girls pry all sorts of information about Reid's sex life from him. So just go click that story alert… And the review button while you're at it. :)**

**Since I have three multi-chapter stories in the works right now, I'm not planning on updating this as fast. I'm thinking I'll put one chapter up a week. How about every Wednesday night? Maybe a bit earlier on occasion if I'm ahead of the game.**

**Thanks for reading. Review?**


	2. Shower Sex and Girls' Night

**A/N: Sorry this is a tiny bit late, but really you're lucky I wrote this at all. I was thinking I may never write comedy again. But then I had a tiny bit of inspiration and ran with it.**

**Oh, and just a heads up for people who alerted this when it was T, it's now rated M. Not that I really suspect anyone who would read a story with 'Sexpert' in the title would care…**

**The first scene in this goes out to **_**Muffins Taste Good**_** who wanted shower sex. Sorry I'm not very good at that kind of stuff… But I tried anyway.**

* * *

There was almost no reason for Morgan to put his clothes back on. As soon as the girls left, Spencer decided to take that shower he needed so badly and Morgan was going to come with him. In no time at all, Spencer's body was being pressed against the shower door. Morgan was thrusting into him violently, having a real go at him. Spencer didn't push back. He just kept still and enjoyed, knowing his lover wanted to do all the work. Morgan needed to prove he knew things too. Spencer knew that sometimes the best thing to do was nothing at all.

Most of Spencer's back was against the door, but Morgan held his legs up, one on either side of him so he could enter. The warm water hit their bodies pleasantly. It was getting in Spencer's eyes and he wanted to close them, but his desire to watch was stronger.

"Mmm... Harder, Derek."

"Any harder and I'll break you in two," Morgan replied, but he obliged with the request. Spencer loved the feel of Morgan's wet body on his, _in _his and he could feel himself getting closer and closer... He moaned and repeated his lover's name over and over again. Morgan reached for Spencer's cock and gave several gentle strokes in contrast to everything else he was doing.

Ecstasy ran through his body, so much so that he didn't know what he was screaming. And then he's finished, his heart pounding so loud he can hear it and his breathing quickened. Then it was Morgan's turn and he enjoyed it no less. He let out a chorus of "Oh, Spencer".

After he finished, Morgan gave him a long and wet kiss -Spencer still pressed against the door. Their mouths melded together, their tongues pressing into each other. Morgan let Spencer's legs down gently. "Did you like that, baby?"

"I loved it."

They began to wash each other's bodies, enjoying the soapy feel of each other's hands. Morgan paid special attention to Spencer's ass and area between his legs. Spencer playfully bit his neck while he did this, and then returned the favor.

Spencer briefly wondered how anyone could expect him to teach them this -the art of reading someone's body and soul and knowing exactly what they wanted and needed. Then all his attention turned back to Morgan, where it should have been.

* * *

The following night was 'Girls' Night.' Unfortunately for Spencer, Garcia's definition of 'girl' stretched out far enough to mean him.

She called him about twenty minutes before he was supposed to be there, of course. Proper notice was not one of Garcia's strong suits. "Come on, Reid! It's girls' night. You have to come!"

"I'm not a girl!" Spencer said, angrily. Not only did he not want to go, but she was questioning his gender and that made him even more pissed.

"Sweetie, you drink Pink Ladies. That counts," Garcia.

"That's not the only thing I drink!"

Garcia sighed dramatically. "Come on, it'll be fun, I promise. Plus, you still have so much to teach us, oh great Jedi Master."

Spencer had hoped they would have forgotten about that. But part of him enjoyed the title of 'Jedi Master.' "Do I have to?"

"Yes."

He hung up and went to get changed into some more bar-appropriate clothing. Even if this turned out to be a three-piece suit minus the jacket, it was still a marked improvement.

"Have fun at girls' night, baby," Morgan said mockingly.

"Shut up."

He grabbed a cab and made it to the bar. The girls were there, all looking happy to see him.

Garcia looked at her watch. "I thought you weren't coming!"

"Well maybe if you ever called before I needed to be there!" Spencer fired back. He joined their booth where they had already started drinks.

"Spence, you promised to teach us things, remember?" JJ asked sweetly.

"I never promised that."

All three girls rolled their eyes. "Reid, come on. It'll be fun," Prentiss said.

"Start with Emily, she needs the most help," Garcia said.

Emily frowned. "Why do you need the most help? I don't need any help at all!"

"You have Will, I have Kevin, and you have no one. You are the only single person at this table. We need to find you somebody," Garcia said.

"Isn't that a little harsh?" Reid asked.

JJ shook her head. "You have so much to learn about girls' night. Now find Prentiss a man."

"Yeah, like it's that easy," Reid said.

"I don't even want someone. And if I did, it wouldn't be some loser I found in a bar," Emily said.

Reid looked down at her chest. "Yeah, that's why you're wearing such a low-cut top with a push-up bra, right?"

"I wanted to look nice..." Prentiss said. She sounded hurt and a little like she was going to cry.

"Reid, did you just look at Emily's boobs?" Garcia asked, excitedly.

"I'm a 'girl', what difference does it make?" Spencer said. He was trying to prove a point, but as soon as the words came out of his mouth he regretted it.

Garcia hugged him tight, closing her eyes and smiling. "Reid, you're one of us. I'm so happy!"

The bartender came around and asked what they would like.

"Four Pink Ladies," JJ said winking at Reid.

A clean-cut looking guy in his thirties walked up to the booth. Now Reid wasn't the only one looking at Emily's boobs. "Hey. Wanna dance?"

Prentiss looked strangely awkward. "No, thanks. I just came to hang out with my friends. It's girls' night."

"Aww, come on. Just one dance and I'll return you to your friends, I swear," the guy said.

"No, I should really stay here..." Emily said looking away from him and at JJ sitting beside her.

The guy wasn't giving up. "It's just a dance. It doesn't mean anything."

"She said she wasn't interested," Spencer said. His voice was uncharacteristically low and firm.

"You could have just said if you were here with someone else," the guy said to Emily and walked away.

Prentiss smiled. "Thanks for saving me."

"What was that?" Spencer asked. "There was nothing wrong with him. He was nice and cute-"

"Spencer Reid, did you just say that guy was cute? I'm telling Morgan!" Garcia said.

Spencer just ignored her, hoping she wouldn't really. "Emily, you didn't even give him a chance. I mean, I know you have issues with trusting people because of your parents and everything that happened to you as a teenager. But that's not it, is it? You refused because you don't want that guy. Because you want someone else."

"Oh, you're good, Spence," JJ said.

Emily sighed. "What aren't you good at, Reid?"

"Yeah," Garcia said. "There has to be like one thing you suck at."

"Not really. I think he sucks at sucking." JJ said, meaning it innocently and not understanding the possible connotations.

Spencer downed his drink. "Are you kidding? That's practically what I'm best at." Garcia and Prentiss looked stunned. JJ spit her drink out.

"Something tells me I'm not going to fit in with this conversation," a voice said from behind him. Spencer turned bright red, realizing who it was.

"Hi, Dave," Prentiss said coyly.

It took Spencer about two seconds to realize what was going on. Rossi and Prentiss were smiling at each other like stupid kids. Girls' night, indeed. That was okay, it was going to be far easier to complete operation "Get Emily Laid" than he could have anticipated.

* * *

**A/N: So, I hope you all liked it. I just wanted to share with everyone that I have a goal of writing four chapters of four different stories today. It might be difficult because it's already three and I'm only done one. Wish me luck. :P**

**Please review and tell me what you think. :)**

**Oh, and what did everyone think about the 'sucking' joke? I've had that one in my mind for a while and I thought it was hilarious, but I'm not sure it translated as well in written form.**

**Hopefully I will have another chapter ready for Wednesday. Thanks for reading. :)**


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